Men Only, Women Only

Men Only Isle of Wight has expanded to include Women Only as well, offering a warm and safe space for people to come for a chat, a cuppa, and a lifeline. Founder Karl Hart talks to Sara Whatley 

Karl Hart understands the vital need, indeed the lifesaving act of having a good chat. He took this simple formula and ran with it – to create an organisation on the Island – known as Men Only. It's a space and service which welcomes men to come and have a chat, a tea and biscuit if they are feeling low – for whatever reason. And now, as the enterprise has grown, Women Only has joined the club too.

Around five years ago, during the Covid pandemic, Karl went down a rabbit hole of researching suicide figures, looking at comparisons between women and men, and he noted a terrifying trend emerging. “Istarted seeing this uptick in male suicides and it really concernedme that men were four times more likely to kill themselves,” he told me as we chatted one bright clear morning recently. “Suicide was the biggest killer of men under the age of 54.” After a three-hour telephone call with a good friend of 30 years, Rodger, he told Karl to shut up or do something about it. So that’s exactly what he did.

Karl had not-long moved back to the Island after 25 years of living in America, where he had worked with well-known personal- development speaker Tony Robbins and gained experience in the corporate market and working with large numbers of people. Added to this, Karl had worked for years as a Mental Health Support Worker in Newcroft, which was the old mental health hospital on the Island and is now part of the Newport Health and Wellbeing Centre. He had come back to the Island to retire but, “It was the worst year of my life,” he revealed. 

Having grown up on the Island and having a unique knowledge of some of the issues here, especially in Ryde, and especially with men, I came back here to do it. I wanted to provide a service that was uniquely for men, because we are absolutely rubbish at asking for help, talking about how we feel, and dealing with rejection,” Karl explained. And so, Men Only was launched by Karl and his business partner Liz. 

Initially group meetings were by video from Karl’s flat, which led to post-lockdown walk and talks – the first one included 35 men and 10 women, who had dropped off their men and tagged along at the back of the walk. “Before we started the walk all the guys were still recognising the 2-meter distance gap from Covid, they were all on their phones, but when we took off they paired up. I was with our local Mayor, and he said it looked like the world’s oldest primary school crocodile – it was adorable,” said Karl. 

Karl’s friend, Rodger joined them for part of the walk and when they got back to the café everyone stayed and continued chatting until 6pm. “I realised we had hit on something that was probably going to be good,” Karl said. Then tragically, about two weeks later, Rodger died suddenly and this spurred Karl on even more. 

Needing a place for meeting up, he managed to get space in an old Methodist Church in the centre of Ryde. They moved in September and for the next six months, despite it being freezing in there, the men kept coming in droves to share their stories and challenges. 

The opportunity arose to take on a high street shop, which is where they have been for the last three years. Recently they have also expanded into the shop next door, which was the catalyst for further inclusivity – they could now offer Men Only on one side, and Women Only on the other. “When we floated the idea for a women’s only service the response was overwhelming,” Karl explained. 

“We understand that stepping through the door is the hardest thingto do,” Karl continued. “But once you’re inside, it all becomes much easier. There is plenty of tea and biscuits, plenty of opportunities to talk. A friendly welcome is guaranteed.” Anyone is welcome to come intothe 'shop', as Karl calls it, with no appointment necessary. You will find little groups of people chatting, or one-to-one work underway. It might just be a friendly ear needed, help with forms, or signposting assistance to other services; they also deal with a lot of isolation, loneliness and lack of purpose. 

The small team, who are all trained in mental health first aid, suicide awareness, plus a continual training on the job, try their best to facilitate whatever is bought through the door. They are particularly well trained in empathy, which Karl believes is a key quality, as well as sharing their own lived experience. 

Some of the volunteers have used the service themselves and now want to give back, some are retirees with time on their hands and a desire to help, but all of them want to contribute into their community and have a sense of worth. “That gives them a high sense of recognition,” explained Karl. 

I asked Karl if he could share any success stories with me and I was genuinely blown away by his response. “We had a guy who looked terrible when he showed up. His wife told me he had come to do the walk after he had told her he was going to kill himself later that day. She had said to him, ‘Go and do the walk first.’ He was very committed to calling it a day and moving to the next chapter, shall we say. But I introduced him to someone else on the walk and they got on really well. He’s now head of SEN for a private organisation working with children – he first came to me three years ago and we still keep in touch,” said Karl. 

Another story of a man who was in an abusive relationship and living in a car park, Men Only were able to help him get a place of his own, where he now lives with his cat and has a whole circle of friends. 

Strong friendships have been formed which are carried into everyday life, with group holidays organised, people nipping to the pub, going out for lunch, having a coffee and sharing lifts. Karl laughed, “There is even a hard-core group of wannabe removal men who will turn up every timesomeone moves house.”

Within the community one group of about six men have taken over the walk and talks, doubled it in size and now meet weekly. Another group sort out the lunch club once a month – a very social affair where people are welcome to come in and enjoy a hot meal. “A key thing is that the community runs the organisation, not us,” said Karl. “I've always wanted to make myself unemployed when I started this, it was about them taking over.” 

With his down-to-earth manner Karl understands that not everybody wants to be helped, but he is, “Very proud of all the people who have come through our door and been a part of our service and I’m proud to say that we haven’t lost anybody – which on an Island where last year 14 men took their own lives, all our lot have survived that storm. That’s what keeps us going, that’s why we’re still here. It does get a bit bawdy in there sometimes, somewhat salty. We’ve been called the public bar of mental health before!” he said. 

Long term this organisation, which relies on fundraising, is planning to work more closely with the NHS and other services to create a community hub which deals with inclusion, family law, wellbeing checkups, and mental health services.

But in the meantime, look out for the lorry that Karl bought on a whim and turned into a mobile wellbeing space – to reach the smaller communities across the Island. “We can just rock up and work from anywhere!” Karl enthused. He is all about getting this venture out there, raising awareness and reaching new people; for example, the new and expanding work with Island businesses. “We’re an in-house, one-to-one, mental health support service, so if people are struggling and don’t want to talk to the people they work with, then we’re available,” he said. 

In their desire to become a community hub, the ‘shop’ is already used by other groups, including yoga, art classes, AA and NA. “Not everybody needs us now,” said Karl, but he hopes that should they or a loved one need support in the future, they will come through their door. Always open. Always ready for a good chat. 

Men Only Isle of Wight

134 High Street, Ryde

P033 2RJ

01983 722 737

admin@menonlyiow.co.uk